Need help, misbehaving child causing a mental breakdown?
Posted by greenFlag
A Jen In Progress inquired:
My daughter, who? Today 5, is becoming a problem child. (His father has ADHD, has inherited perhaps the iperattivit?.) Recent months behaving badly is always the most. Do not listen to anything anyone says, not obbedir? to not take? not stop? to moan, will not? quiet or do not deposit? gi? and not stop? to destroy things (the last feat is cutting – with scissors to its security – his lounge chair fabric-covered Princess of Disney). I tried everything – rewards, time off, screaming, being patient and understanding es?, I tried ********. Two-thirds of the time? sweet and loving, but one third of the time? destructive, incorrigible, reckless and impossible. Meet someone tells me what to do. Awarded the last few months I'm going with a divorce with his father – but? friendly, both show our love for her and NOTHING? a justification for this kind of behavior. I all'estremit? of my rope.
My daughter, who? Today 5, is becoming a problem child. (His father has ADHD, has inherited perhaps the iperattivit?.) Recent months behaving badly is always the most. Do not listen to anything anyone says, not obbedir? to not take? not stop? to moan, will not? quiet or do not deposit? gi? and not stop? to destroy things (the last feat is cutting – with scissors to its security – his lounge chair fabric-covered Princess of Disney). I tried everything – rewards, time off, screaming, being patient and understanding es?, I tried ********. Two-thirds of the time? sweet and loving, but one third of the time? destructive, incorrigible, reckless and impossible. Meet someone tells me what to do. Awarded the last few months I'm going with a divorce with his father – but? friendly, both show our love for her and NOTHING? a justification for this kind of behavior. I all'estremit? of my rope.
November 21st, 2008 at 9:38 am
Cut out all refined sugar, flour and high fructose corn syrup from her diet for at least two weeks. If that doesn’t help remove all stimulae from her room (toys, books, tv, etc), and whenever she misbehaves send her to her room for 30 minutes. Do this for another two weeks…keep the diet restrictions in place.
And, spend lots of time with her, whenever you can while she is being good.
Do these things and within a month she will be a changed little girl.
November 24th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Tell her doctor there must be an underlying problem maybe the divorce is affecting her more than you think Good luck
November 24th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
For lil angel all can hehehe its because kids are supposed to understand the diff between right and try to understand the time cant remember can do good.
November 25th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
if her father has ADHD then she probably does to. Talk to her doctor about it to have her tested and if you dont feel comfortable giving her medicine I’m sure the doctor can tell you use full tips. Good Luck!
November 26th, 2008 at 5:50 am
“Granted, the last few months I have been going through a divorce with her father”
Sweetheart, kids pick up on your stress regardless of whether or not you are trying to show it! If you are going through a divorce, she knows something is going on, was more than likely aware there was a problem BEFORE Daddy didn’t live with you anymore, etc….
Also, if you are stressed out about her not behaving, she is going to pick up on that too…I know my son does & the more upset with him I get, the more he acts up. She is also probably looking for some attention…and she’s getting it by misbehaving! As long as she isn’t hurting herself or anyone else (although cutting things up IS VERY frustrating, it’s just a chair, it can be replaced), just IGNORE her bad behavior! Shower her with hugs and kisses when she IS behaving…and tell her you love her NO MATTER WHAT!
November 26th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
I am sorry it is not easy, sometime we dont understand our kids we think we are good parents but we are not we are just good people so ..just keep loving her and get help from others to raise her, if you are at the end of the rope you have to.
November 28th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
It sounds like ADHD to me. My son was ADHD REAL BAD. We took a whole year diagnosing him with his pediatrician , teachers, and psychologist involved. I remember once when he went to the psychologist , she asked if he ever stole stuff. Well he was like 5 years old so I said well, just little stuff like all kids but, when we got back home she called and asked if my son just so happened to take any action figures from her office because she had a ton of them and they were all missing so after checking his pockets I discovered he had stole every one of her action figures which we both laughed about because that pretty much answered her one question about stealing stuff. She should be evaluated now because it will really mess with her if she is not treated and take the time to discover the right meds for her. I went round and round with my sons meds trying to get the right combination but, when they are right your child will be the best. My sons psychologist told me once that when she asked my son if he could be anyone in the world and she had a magic wand and could grant his wish he said “I just want to be a good boy” Well, needless to say that completely broke my heart and I vowed I would do everything to make that possible. They do not know they are obnoxious and they are usually very bright in certain areas. There are some very famous people who are ADHD. Bill Gates for one
December 1st, 2008 at 2:54 am
That is really too bad. She went off the rails somewhere. Not enough information to really tell what happened. I will say that kids need order and structure at an early age. Need to have life conducted as almost a ritual. Same time for everything. Predictability. If she’s this bad now, the divorce is going to destroy her. There’s no such thing as an “amicable” divorce for a kid. Parents think kids don’t know what’s going on. Wrong. They have their little antennae up and they’re really tuned to anything that’s even slightly out of phase in their world. You have to realize just how small that world is. For a kid, their whole existence is within the four walls of the house. Disharmony between their parents, any sort of hostility, causes little cognitive earthquakes in their little brains. Some kids can cope, And some are super-sensitive to negativity. For some, their world is coming to an end. Just wait til she’s twelve, and pregnant. It’s very difficult for young people to realize that after they have a kid, it’s no longer about them anymore, it’s all about the kid. Parents have to put their personal life on hold. When is the last time your husband held her in his lap and read to her? All little girls should be “Daddy’s Little Girl” and little boys should all be “Dad’s Manly-Man”. Dunno what you can do now. With her father out of her life it’s gonna be real tough. There are a few kids that can take that in stride. Most can’t. And a few go off the deep end. Pretty tragic. I would guess the only thing left to to is drug her into a mellow stupor. That will permit you to continue your own life and fulfill your own gratifications unhindered.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:39 am
No sugar diet. give it only as a form of reward if she behaves. sugar induces hyper activity. add a little veggie each day in her diet, even in small amounts. Cut the sugar now.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Honey even though the divorce is amicable the child still picks up on the vibes, plus she out one parent who used to be living with her. Part of her safety net is gone. She’s only five and even though she can understand a lot, that is a huge change for her. She’s probably upset and not sure how to say it and acting out instead. Watch the times she’s aciting out. Start a diary and write down what happened right before she does something bad, than right what she did that was bad then write down how you fixed it. You’re going to notice some patterns. One of which might suprise you even though you and your husband are amicably getting this divorce. You’ll also notice that you’re not as consistant as you thought. Being consistant is sooo hard. Plus on top of that she’s five! Did she start kindergaten at a new school? Between that stress and the divorce it could be too much.
December 5th, 2008 at 2:28 am
This is something you need to discuss with your child’s doctor. Tell him that the father has ADHD and about all the stress your daughter has been under. One thing you need to do is take away the scissors. Have you tried 123 Magic? There is a video, you can check out at the Library. If your at wits end, have her evaluated by your school district. Maybe she will qualify for special ed services. She needs to get this under control before she starts school.
December 7th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
That’s the problem today, too many homes are child-centered, with very little respect for authority. People used too say , children should be seen and not heard. Nowadays it’s, parents should be seen and not heard. Parents are afraid of their kids. They’ve lost the power to say NO! Or, if they do say it, they don’t make it stick. We have been brain-washed with ” love is enough “, and we don’t really know what love is. We think we must give a child his own way at all times. The end result of this belief is clearly seen in the rising tide of juvenile delinquency today.
We were lead to believe that everything we said or did to our children would have an everlasting effect on them for the good or bad. As a result, we parents have become so guilt-ridden that we are afraid to discipline our kids. Were afraid to act like parents. We are so anxious for our kids to love us that we are afraid to punish them for disobedience. We somehow have forgotten that an undisciplined child is an unhappy child who eventually becomes an unsuccessful, unproductive adolescent and adult. No wonder most of us parents are surprised when the child’s natural reaction will be to turn against the ones who should have prepared him for life and to reward their love with ****.
In the families where we see respectful, responsible children, there are two essential ingredients; love and discipline. If either is missing, disaster results. Children must respect their parents. This is the basis of all their future relationships, with the school, the law, and society. Of course, we first must merit our children’s respect, and then we must command it.
Unquestionably, some misbehavior is not necessarily a challenge to our authority, because it is not willful disobedience. And it should be handled accordingly. But when a child deliberately defies a parent, by word or action, the time has come for some realistic woodshed therapy.
When you tell your little girl to do something and she disobeys you, she’s daring you to take her on in the challenge. You have to realize who’s in charge here, if you don’t meet her challenge, be prepared for other confrontations. Whenever she displays this challenging behavior, you have to win without question. She has to know who’s in charge.
A child wants to know who’s in charge and he wants to be controlled, but he wants you, the parent, to earn the right to control. Only a parent who can govern himself can properly govern a child.
Punishment which is given out in weak inconsistency, according to the parent’s moods, confuses a child. Discipline given in a harsh, tryannical, unloving attitude can also destroy her. But a child will never be really damaged when we first carefully explain the rules and the punishment for breaking them and then have enforced the rules in a firm, controlled manner. We must believe that punishment is not something that we do the child but rather something that we do for the child.
Once you’ve laid down rules, never flinch or take the easy way out. Give in just once to any of your rules and your sunk, back to square one.
Once more, clearly define your boundaries in advance and when you are defiantly challenged, respond with confident decisiveness. This becomes easier when you can distinguish between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility. And most importantly, comfort and teach her when the confrontation is over.
God Bless and Good Luck!
December 9th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
1. Even an amicable divorce is going to be very hard for a child to understand. All she knows is her Daddy is not there. Chances are she feels some guilt over it and very possibly some fear that she will be asked to leave as well. She may also see the bad behavior as a way to get Daddy to come home. This is not an excuse, but a reason.
2. Most 5 yr. olds become more difficult to manage than they were before. It is part of their attempts to find the boundries in their world and to establish freedom. However, while they are doing all of this, they prefer if nothing changes in the part of thier lives they turn to for comfort and stability. Again, the divorce is probably adding to the natural developmental issues.
3. If ADHD is a possibility, then I would suggest a visit to the peds to have her evaluated. If it turns out she is diagnosed, the next step would be to notify the schools as she would be eligable for services if she was found to qualify. This would include working with a school psychologist.
4. If she is in school, the psychologist may be something to pursue anyway. This will give her an outlet for some of her more negative emoitions and someone you can get some guidance from on ways to handle the behaviors.
Do not be afraid to find a good child psychologist or family therapist to help you with your daughter. This is not a sign of bad parenting, but the opposite. You recognize you are in unfamiliar waters and need some help to figure out how to get through them to be the best parent possible. It also does not mean your daughter is “crazy” or even “difficult”. It simply means that there are a lot of things she simply hasn’t figured out yet.
All you can do for now is to stay firm and consistent. Develop a set of rules and hold her to them. It is easy to let things slide when it’s the end of a long day and you’re tired and trying to do all the things you need to, but that is precisely when it is most important to stay firm. Both you and her father should come up with a list of consequences for specifice behaviors…talking back, destruction of property, refusint to listen, etc…and both of you should use it as well as support whatever punishments may have been earned while staying with the other. By providing a united front, not only will she learn quickly she can not play one of you off the other, but she will realize that you are both still parenting her together, even if you live apart.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:12 am
The connection between her life if you dont get the connection between her life her and her thnk you cant help her and her family shouldnt have screwed over her dad are showing your destruction of her dad are showing your love for her dad are showing your destruction and so destroying.
An impact on her thnk you are destroying her destruction and your destruction of her home her life her and so destroying her safety think you dont get.
An impact on her destruction and so destroying her dad are destroying her thnk you have an impact on her dad are.
The connection between her safety think you and her safety think splitting up her thnk you and so destroying her life her and her destruction of her home is okay you are you and so destroying her and so destroying her family shouldnt have an impact on her destruction of her family shouldnt have screwed over her family shouldnt have an impact on.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:55 am
I would have her tested for ADHD..
It is better to find out now rather than later…
And you as her parents must realize she is still going through trauma even if you are being respectful to each other and even if she is getting the attention from both of you…
She still does not have her mommy and daddy together… That is a lot for a five year old to handle…
The biggest piece of advice I could give is let your yes mean yes and your no mean NO!
No matter how tired you both are…
She will test you she is a child…
Stay calm even when you feel like you have had it… Remember she is the child. Going through lots of changes…
Best wishes to you…
December 13th, 2008 at 7:46 am
If I had to guess, I’d say it’s because of the divorce. No matter how amicable it is, she’s bound to be worried. Her homelife is changing presumablly and she is now being bounced back and forth between two parents. Please note that I am not blaming you in any way for this, you have to do what you have to do. If I were you, I would try picking one punishment and sticking with it every single time. Don’t bribe her to behave one day and then use time out the next. Do the same thing for every single offense. If possible, get your ex-husband on the same page, so that you can make sure that he’s using the same punishment techniques that you are while she’s in his care. I doubt you’ll see any improvement right away, it will probablly take a week or more. And for what it’s worth, I would recommend as much stability and structure in her life right now as is feasible, even if she rebels against it. Best of luck to you!
December 13th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I’m sorry but I don’t see how you can say “it isn’t the divorce we are going through”!! I don’t care if you and your ex are bestest buddies the people that she loves the most are splitting up and her whole little world is changing. Also this whole experience is compounded for a 5 year old that already demonstrates some problematic behavior and who probably is wondering if the whole thing is her fault. Given the two strikes against this kid I’d run not walk to the nearest mental health clinic in your area and get both of you some counseling. You have too high of expectations for this kid given her behavioral issues and stress levels.
December 15th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I’m sorry to disagree with you. She does have an excuse for her behavior. Her mom and dad are divorcing. She is 5. She is angry, confused, and hurt. She is feeling powerless. Though your divorce is amicable, she know longer has mom and dad together and it has changed her world.
Stop the rewards, time outs, yelling, and spankings. These are a form of punishment. She does not need to be punished. She needs to be disciplined. Punishments are a way for you to control your daughter, not a way for her to learn self control. Instead of using time outs, try this. When she is whining, loud, or not settling down, get down to her level and say “I do not like when you (explain what and why in very few words).” Take her gently to a quiet area away from you (her room, or another quiet room) and say “When you are ready to (calm down, listen, speak softly, speak in a normal voice…) then you can come back with me.” This is not a time out because you are not setting a time limit (you controlling her). She returns when she is ready to control herself. You may have to return her to the spot several times until she sees that you mean business.
Empathize with her. “I can tell you are feeling (angry, upset, frustrated, mad, hurt). What can we do about that?” She will learn to express her feeling better rather than act out. Help her to understand why you and her father are no longer together. My guess is that she still does not understand. You may want to tell her things like “I know you really liked when your daddy and I were together. I can tell you miss him. Sometimes moms and dads decide that it is best for them not to be together anymore because they don’t get along very well. I know it’s hard for you. Your daddy and I both love you so much and want you to be happy.” These types of conversations may be necessary several times to help her understand.
Try and use natural and logical consequences when she is misbehaving. Taking away a toy if she draws on the wall is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if she throws it is logical. Making her clean the wall if she draws on it is logical. Here are some more examples of natural and logical consequences: If she spills her milk, she wipes it up. If she wants to scream she goes to an area where she can scream without disturbing others. If she is destructive with a toy, she puts it in the trash and can no longer use it. Let the discipline fit the crime committed.
Notice her when she is not misbehaving. Say things like “You did that by yourself! Look how many colors you used on your painting! You can jump super high!” These phrases are great ways to show positive attention, great confidence builders, and great ways to help her feel powerful in a positive way. They go a lot farther than extrinsic rewards (“Good job”, stickers, rewards, treats).
I know a lot of parents do not like this idea, but consider taking her to a play therapist to help get to the root of her anger. My best friend is going through a similar situation with her 5 year old daughter and is refusing to see that her daughter needs help. This has been going on for over a year and things are only getting worse. It’s so sad that my friend is in denial. Many parents believe that therapy stigmatizes the child but it does not. The child only sees this as play and it’s fun for them. It can really help.
Start setting limits. Children scream for limits. Follow through with the limit you set. Offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” “No” should mean “No” the first time you say it. Pick you battles! Say “Yes” as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck to you and your daughter!